Heard my friend is sleeping with my wife

Dear Pastor,

I am a retired businessman. I used to have my own business, but I had a partner. He was not officially in the business with me because he was in the civil service.

He used to give me money to invest in the company for him. I trusted him, so he knew everything about the business. When I had to travel, he would sit in for me. I have three children and he was their godfather. I trusted this man. I did not know that he was having an affair with my wife. I know that whenever I am discussing something with my wife about the business, she would caution me by saying "Make sure 'So and so' knows what you are doing." I would assure her that I either told him or I would tell him. This man's job helps me to meet certain people and open doors for me. If anyone had told me that he was helping me out in bed with my wife, I would have considered that a big insult.

But everything came to light when my 15-year-old daughter and her mother had an argument and she told her that she would tell her daddy what she has been doing. One Sunday evening I took my daughter to purchase some ice cream for the family. While travelling, I told my daughter that I heard what she had said to her mother and I would like to know why she made that threat. She said it is something she wanted to talk to me about a long time, but she was afraid. I told her she does not need to be afraid; it would be between us. She said that sometimes when I am not at home, this man comes to the house and stays a long time until he believes that they are gone to bed. She said he goes into my room and has sex with my wife. I asked her how she knows that they are having sex and she said her sister and her have gone to the room door and heard them. She said that I cannot let it be known that she told me because she made a vow to her sister that they would not tell on their mother.

That Sunday evening, we purchased the ice cream but I did not have any appetite. It has been one month since my daughter told me what she knows, but I have not said anything to her mother. I haven't spoken to her sister either, and I cannot bring myself to talk to this man who I considered my trusted friend. I don't know what to do. He calls me occasionally and asks how things are going. I tell him that everything is going well. What do you suggest that I should do?

B.K.

Dear B.K.,

You have to deal with this matter. If you owe this man, try your best to pay him back and break away from the informal business relationship.

It is unfortunate that you became entangled with him. You thought he was a trusted friend, but now you know that he is not. Do not say anything to your wife yet. She may wonder why this man and you are not as close as before. You may answer that question by saying that you are learning to do your business alone. You would not want this man to continue to visit your house, so if you were to come home and see him there, it would be wise for you to say hello and nothing more. If he should ask you how come you are not saying anything to him, you should tell him that you prefer that you be informed whenever he is visiting.

After you have paid this man every cent that you owe him, you should tell your wife that you believe that she has been unfaithful to you, but you should avoid mentioning what your daughter told you. You should make an appointment to see an approved marriage counsellor. But even then, if you can avoid mentioning the names of your children, keep them out of it because it is unlikely that your wife would have admitted that she was having an affair. It is likely that she would punish the children by abusing them.

Pastor