Convinced that my wife is giving me ‘bun’

September 20, 2023

Dear Pastor,

I am a 30-year-old Christian and I am having problems that I don't know how to deal with.

I got married two years ago to a young woman who is from our denomination, but we didn't fellowship in the same congregation. She is 34 and has one daughter. When we became friends, we used to fool around a lot in bed. She always wanted me to have sex with her, and when we got engaged she became possessive. We did not live together until we were married.

I was living at my father's house. My mother did not marry my father. I prefer to live with my father. He supported me and he bought me a car for my 21st birthday. When I was attending university, I did not have to take a student loan; my father did that for me. When it came to my education, he was very rough. I love my parents, but I love my father more.

My father accused my mother of cheating on him with his best friend. I knew it was true because I had evidence. When my father asked me certain questions about the man and my mother, I was too scared to tell him the truth. I believed he would beat up my mother, so I told him that I didn't know anything, but to this day, my mother believes that I told my father that this man used to come to the house when he was not there.

I never saw my mother in bed with this man, but I knew she was having sex with him one night because I could hear them. She was telling him how sweet he was and it seemed as if both of them would have to do something to see each other more often. I pretended that I had to clear my throat to let my mother know that I was home. As soon as I did that, the romping in the bedroom stopped. I was 15 at that time.

When I first told my father that I wanted to live with him at his house, he told me to pack everything and he would pick me up. I told my mother that I was going to live with my father and she said that was okay with her, she would rent my room or take in a boarder. My father was living with a woman. He told me that I should call the woman 'Auntie', but the woman told me to call her by her first name.

When I met my wife, she told me that she knew my mother as they were from the same district, but her mother told her that my mother was always a hot girl. Well, my wife is just like my mother. I know for sure that she is keeping another man with me, although she is in church and teaching Sunday school. I cannot take her cheating any more. I told her that she should leave, but she said that she has no reason to leave. How can a woman be married and put another man, who is not a relative, in her account? Well, that is what my wife did, and she named him as her friend. Would you not consider that very strange?

I am an honest man. I don't spend my wife's money. Her child's father is supporting her. I don't need my wife's money. I have had to separate myself from the matrimonial bed. My father is encouraging me to divorce my wife.

What do you say?


Dear A.L.,

You suspect that your wife is cheating, but you don't have any proof. You believe that your wife is cheating on you just as how your mother cheated on your father.

When you decided to live with your father, your mother did not object; perhaps she felt she would have had more time to be with her lover. She did not deny having a sexual relationship with your father's friend. What worried her is that she believed that you told your father about them, and you say that you are not guilty of that.

It seems to me that you do not trust women at all. If you do not, then you should not have got married, because every man has to learn to trust his spouse; and when there is no trust, the marriage has broken down.

Now, having said the above, I have a real concern. Why did this woman put another man's name on her account? Perhaps she does not trust you either, and she loves that man more than you. This woman has a daughter, but she chose the man you suspect to be her lover to put his name on her account. Even the blind can see that something is going on between them.

Your father has advised you to divorce this woman. I say to you, seek the advice of a lawyer and then make up your mind about what you should do.


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